This post is a how-to guide to being the best Nigerian guest ever at that wedding you have coming up on your calendar. There are people that attend weddings, and there are others who are GUESTS at weddings.
1. Picking outfits: Stay away from black or white, except you’re wearing a black and white dress, and refrain from looking like a rainbow in the name of colour-blocking. Simple is always chic.
2. Food: Eat gently and sparsely. I once attended a wedding where I ate fermented moin-moin. The food took so long to reach my table that when it finally landed, I gobbled the whole thing down, plus my sister’s dish of moin-moin, who was wise enough to skip the dangerous meal. I was banking on my rock-solid stomach, considering all the rubbish I had eaten already in my life time, this moin moin was luxury. My stomach didn’t disappoint. It didn’t disappoint until I topped off with a glass of orange juice. Let’s just say I was sweating in winter until I found a friendly toilet.
Secondly, you don’t want to ruin that look with a bulging stomach. It’s better to starve and go home to eat like a cow than to attend a wedding and eat like a cow in full view of friends, family and hot bachelors who wanted to request your phone number (if you’re searching like I am)…
Thirdly, always pass the plates to everyone else on the table before you “settle” yourself. It screams GREEDY when the waiter arrives with three plates at your table of ten and you just corner a plate for yourself immediately . Iwa Ibaje [bad behaviour].
3. Tossing of the Bouquet: All that pushing and shoving, not a good look at all. As a matter of fact, bouquet time is your time to shine – yes, say after me – “IT’S MY TIME TO SHINE”. Not just that, it’s a time to shine your eyes. Let your eyes do a quick 360 degrees across the auditorium until they land on what they deem to be candy (MAN). Flash that white teeth (baking soda can help you); flash it in a shy smile as though you were just looking around.
When the bouquet is about to land, watch, THIS IS IMPORTANT, except it is coming for you, don’t reach out. I REPEAT, do not stretch. Once the vigourous fighters catch the bouquet, put your perfectly manicured hands together in a gentle clap, while smiling cutely and ‘sashay’ back to your seat. Count to ten, a little note across the hall is making its way to you. Yes, it’s that fine brother you smiled at (assuming he’s not married yet).
4. The Lone Selfie: A lot of people (I’ve heard), have problems with iPads, phones, etc dominating the wedding venue as people elbow one another to take a picture of the bride and groom. I’m not sure if using iPads to take pictures at events is a problem, but what I have a problem with is the lone selfie.
You are at a wedding reception, then the girl whips out her make up bag, touches up right there at the food table, and follows up with taking a selfie on her iPhone. Let’s not forget the pout to accentuate the red lipstick – then snap snap, selfies. I think public selfies are cool at weddings if you’re in a group – its a way of saying, “hey we were here”. However, single selfies, please go the bathroom and handle that s**t.
5. Arinka Ja-ba-ta (Miss Johnny Walker): Aunty please sit down. Every two seconds your kon-kon shoe is distracting the audience, abegi we see you.
6. The Anti-Social Guest: Chineke me (exclamation)!
Mobile phones have caused wahala in this life. Even I am guilty sometimes, but at least I know I am doing wrong when I do so. You did not accept that wedding guest invitation to be staying up-to-date on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. Put that phone aside for a bit and enjoy the music, the food and the faces.
Do you know any other guest-bad-behaviours you want to share? Please drop a comment and I’ll update the list with credits of course. Who knows there might be a part two.
Dara is a fictitious name and character created for LoveweddingsNG. This column is not a depiction of real life events. Names, characters, places and incidents and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual events or persons is entirely coincidental.